Give Love This Christmas

In my last entry, I promised to continue our discussion about the dangers of using the word “but.” But…

I’ve had some wonderfully honest and intriguing conversations with several yoga students in the last few days, and am inspired to share from those experiences.

We spoke of Christmas. I don’t know if it’s the economy, the types of people yoga classes (or I) attract, or something else … it just seems that more folks are talking about their dissatisfaction with the holiday (stress and materialism) than are reveling in great joy because of it.

I know this is a topic that can bring up strong feelings, and divide friends and lovers. My intention here is to add a new perspective I’m not sure I’ve ever articulated before … and to build some bridges.

I’ll also try to keep this short and sweet …

What’s It All About?
As best as I can tell, Christmas is intended to be a celebration of the birth of a man whose primary message was about loving one another. The holiday is a reminder to love each other, in other words.

What’s the Big Problem?
From what I gather, some folks despise the emphasis on gift-giving, spending money, etc. as a way of loving one another. On the other hand, some folks get downright euphoric giving and receiving presents this time of year.

Why Such Disparate Opinions, and Strong Emotions?
I used to attribute my resistance to Christmas fanfare to my alcoholic-father-who-drank-a-lot-around-Christmas-time-which-sent-my-dysfunctional-family-into-hyper-dysfunctionality-and-consequently-made-me-feel-depressed-every-December. Recently, I’ve begun to expand my perspective … the following may be a great deal more relevant:

Gift-giving is not my (nor many others’) “love language.”

What is a “Love Language”?
If you understand what love languages are, Christmas stress makes a lot more sense. So, what are they?

My quickest response is, Please read Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages.” [Or, check out his website, www.5lovelanguages.com].

For those who won’t do either – or who simply trust me — here is my quickie overview: Chapman suggests we humans communicate love (i.e., express and receive it) in five different ways, which he refers to as “languages.”

Here are the five love languages:

1. touch
2. acts of service
3. words of affirmation and encouragement
4. gifts
5. quality time

As with verbal language, most of us have one predominant love language. (Some of us may also speak a second one … though, usually no more than two.) When someone speaks to us in our particular love language, we feel “lit up,” exuberant, joyful. For example, I thoroughly enjoy receiving (and getting) a massage (#1) … whereas, my partner would prefer if I made her dinner (#2). It’s not that I’m a bad masseur – honest! — touch just is not her primary language.

Important: We tend to offer our love in our own “native” language. If the recipient does not speak the same love language as we do, well … you can probably imagine the complications this will lead to.

So, What Do Love Languages Have To Do with Christmas…?
Remember: The essential, original message of Christmas is about Love. Gift-giving is only one way to express love – and not everyone relates to it. If Chapman is correct, exchanging presents “lights up” only a minority of us. The rest may be going along with the practice so as not to offend. (Optimistically-speaking, although gifts are not their primary “love language,” perhaps a number of folks realize there are some who do love gift-giving. So they are choosing to become “multi-lingual” in order to help their loved ones feel loved!)

Bottom Line
I know that I want this time of year to be about love… heck, I want the whole year to be about love! Please, look into these Five Love Languages. (The website is free, and you can learn everything you need to know there!) Find out what your primary language is… then, learn to speak another language. Don’t give, or do, merely out of obligation – that only creates toxic energy. (Have you ever watched two people — neither of whom enjoy gift-giving — giving each other a gift? You talk about painfully awkward!) Communicate honestly with your loved ones. Bottom line …

Find a way to love authentically.