I wanted to share with you some quick impressions from the first piece I wrote on perfectionism. Clearly, it struck a chord with a number of you. It’s been, by far, the most responded to blog I have ever written.
Before I go any further, though, here’s a quick, partial review of what I wrote:
Happy to Talk About Perfectionism
Only one reader had the opposite reaction. She immediately unsubscribed from our newsletter, stating, “honestly, I did not care for the previous email about perfectionism.”
I never found out what, specifically, made this reader uncomfortable, but I imagine it’s the chink-in-the-armor thing. I suspect that when someone points out the elephant in the room, some individuals will naturally become frightened… because, well, they are now aware that there’s a humongous elephant in the room! (“Thank you, friend, but I was trying to ignore that… I actually felt much safer when I was pretending it wasn’t there!”)
To Be or Not to Be On Time (My Confession)
In my last writing, I suggested that some of us perfectionists tend to be late for our next activity because we’re so busy trying to complete every last detail from the prior one. (And, trust me, our minds can create a truly exhaustive to-do list!)
Well, a reader told me that her spouse was both perfectionistic and punctual. Cool, I say. Not all perfectionists are late, then. For some perfectionists, being punctual is their high-priority focus, and they’re quite good at it. (They’d probably be excellent timekeepers for your important organizational meetings… or the point-person overseeing a time-sensitive project.) As I previously noted, most perfectionists will choose their own select activities to try to be perfect at, and invest their full focus there. Some, therefore, excel at timeliness. (Alas, some of us still do not.)
But what of all those many unselected activities we’re afraid to try…how does this non-participation affect our life?
How We Can Expand Our Personal World
We perfectionists may not be as enthusiastic to explore new territory as others – because we, better than anyone, know how much time and energy one must invest to become expert there. (And we expect ourselves to become expert in darn-near whatever we try.) Of course, with each new adventure also comes the risk of humiliating failure (which, to us, is the same as achieving anything less than perfection). So, we hold back.
As a consequence of this disinclination to try new things, our world can start to feel constrictive and small – this, despite an impressive resumé full of stellar achievements. I know I’ve felt empty, plenty of times throughout my life. It’s a feeling that still visits me more often than I want it to.
Here’s one of my antidotes, though: I’ve been attempting a lot of new things in my later life, even when there’s little chance that I’ll be perfect at them. I’ve engaged in surfing, modern dancing, singing, guitar, piano, writing, improvisational comedy, to name a few new activities. I try to treat these explorations more like play than some task to be accomplished, or skill to be honed: I’m far from expert at any of them – and,when I do, I thoroughly enjoy them all!
Sometimes, I’ll even choose new challenges precisely because I know I won’t be very good at them, right away. I’ll also do things with my non-dominant hand or leg… or backwards… standing on one leg… or with my eyes closed. This more playful approach to life helps me relax with the discomfort of imperfection.
And, for me, and perfectionists like me, relaxed playfulness is a real key for happiness.
Ha-Ha-Ha… I’m So Uncomfortable
Improv comedy is a perfect example of a new activity where I feel uncomfortable a great deal of the time. Even more importantly, though, I feel comfortable and delighted at being in discomfort when I’m improvising. I’m coming to understand that the discomfort is simply my old fear of failure – nothing more, and nothing less. And I now know I can peacefully – happily, even – live with that.
You may not believe me, yet, but it honestly feels good! In fact, this leaning into fear is proving to be quite liberating for me. I actually feel less fear, and way more joy, excitement, and enthusiasm for my life now.
Creating Our Lives
And here’s the truly mega bonus of making peace with imperfection: It turns out that this mindset is the secret to creativity and spiritual connection. This is how the greatest artists operate when they are in the flow. And saints, too. When we allow ourselves to feel fear about some unwanted outcome – then dive into the activity anyways – we frequently end up creating something brand-new and unanticipated…something quite delightful! We feel engaged and alive.
When I make mistakes, now, I don’t spend as much time trying to hide them – and that frees me up to actually learn something new, and keep creating! All of this allows me to connect with a deeper place inside. (Okay, perfect spot for an old musicians joke: Hit a wrong note one time, and it’s called a mistake. Hit a wrong note twice in a row…? That’s called jazz!)
[Click here to view a unique workshop coming to The Yoga Center.]
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What Some of Your
Fellow Readers
Had to Say
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“Thanks, Jim. That’s one of the most hopeful musings I’ve read all year!”
“Much much gratitude for your “perfect” sharing and vulnerability!”
“Whew!! That one hit home…… deep breath….. Thanks for sharing, Jim.”
“Lovely authenticity Jim! At the core of my perfection-
ism is the fear that if I don’t get it right, I’ll lose your (whoever the other is) love and connection.”
“Wow, brother, that was honest and brave.”
“Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Jim. These are intriguing and thoughts I find relevant…”
“Jim, I am moved by your sharing. I feel myself resonating with your insights, experiencing… the absolute truth of what you’re saying. I feel appreciation for your clarity of thought, the honesty in your words, and your courage in show-
ing up exactly as you are… Thank you for this gift.”
“I loved your investigation into lateness. The transi-
tions ARE so hard, for the exact reasons you des-
cribe. The only difference for myself is that I gave up on the facade of perfection a while ago, and my need to do “just a few more things” before exiting a situation comes from a desire to have at least done “enough”. It’s kind of sad, actually. The thought process is the same, but I imagine that the bar I have set for myself is that of basic mediocrity. And it is still challenging to meet it. Ugh.”
“Thank you, Jim…I’m NOT a perfectionist and I run LATE — with a few more of the things I spot to do on my way out the door.”
“Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Jim. I get this. I have been trying for a long time to quit identifying as a perfectionist, even though I see myself performing some of these same behaviors you describe. I think I was reserved about becoming a teacher at all, mostly because I wasn’t sure I could be a perfectly organized, perfectly prepared, perfectly observant one.
“I have a teacher who celebrates her imperfection and her mistakes frequently, and it is so refreshing. I am still clumsy about laughing at myself, but I appreciate your shining a light on these awarenesses.”