Gloria: I sat at the kitchen table with my partner, Jim, my eyes intently fixed on his. “Can we talk?” I asked. He looked back at me, no doubt sensing the 
tension in my face and body (he’s a yoga teacher, and pretty good at that sort of thing). “Sure,” he replied, and then added, “As long as you agree to breathe with me.”
I quickly said all right, and we sat silently, practicing a mini-meditation we call the “6-breather.” About six breaths and 30 seconds later, I opened my eyes and asked, “Are you okay with my sharing now?” He shook his head and softly observed, “You’re not really breathing.”
Continuing to sit rigidly in my chair, shoulders and jaw frozen in place, I asserted through pursed lips, “I am, too!”
And, honestly, I was actually breathing. Well, sort of. I was, in fact, allowing air to move in and out my nose…plus, there was some noticeable expansive movement in my belly. During the “six-breather,” I had even counted 4 beats for each inhalation, and then slowly released to the count of 8. (He had taught me that, for goodness sake…shouldn’t that carry some weight, here?!) And I was pretty positive I’d done all this at least 6 times.
What I wasn’t doing, though, was relaxing – I hadn’t let the breath actually penetrate me in any way. Sure, I was doing plenty (like the counting and belly movement) – I just wasn’t being very well. More truthfully, I was tense and resistant, and pretty wedded to remaining that way. I’m still not sure why, or exactly what I thought would happen if I relaxed and actually let the air flow through me. I only know that some primal force inside me apparently believed that, as a matter of survival, holding onto my tension was safer. That’s really it: I was fearing something, and remaining a little tense felt like the better option.
Fortunately, though, I was willing to try another round of breathing with Jim and, this time, everything – including our subsequent conversation — went smoothly. (Whatever the now-forgotten topic, I can tell you in hindsight, that it was no big deal.) This time, I let myself surrender. I noticed holdings in my body and mind, and was able (and willing!) to let them go. Yes, despite the urgings of primal fear, I permitted myself to relax.
Presence Requires Relaxation
At the Yoga Center, no matter what we’re doing, we always try to come back to a basic core practice of deep presence — and this always involves breathing and relaxing. (You might call breathing and relaxing part of the formula for “being fully alive in the here and now”.) In our last blog, we gave you some tips (and a video!) on how to breathe more fully; this week we’re touching upon the very-related element, relaxation. In this article’s next segment, Jim is about to shine some light on what it means to relax — and why you probably want to give way more attention to relaxation than you do now.
He also offers a few tips (and another video) to make it easier for you to cultivate relaxation as a way of life.
Jim: I love Gloria’s story, in part because I suspect it resonates with anyone who has ever been in an intimate relationship — particularly where at least one partner practices yoga or meditation. It seems that, inevitably, one of us will disagree over who is, and who is not, actually breathing or relaxing during a tense conversation. (It’s kind of a shadow side of spiritual life. Our egos mightily resist being the sole relaxed person in the room. We fear the vulnerability of that, and we’re afraid of being hurt by the other. We will go to great lengths to ensure that those around us are relaxed first, so that we can then feel comfortable enough to let down our own guard.)
I also appreciate her story because it sets us up to address some basic notions about relaxation…
What is Relaxation?
Put simply, relaxing is letting go of effort, tension, strain, etc. Relaxation is the opposite of strain and stress. We know that excessive effort can show up as tension in our bodies and minds (maybe our 
emotions, too) and, if allowed to remain there, can eventually lead to hypertension, disease, depression, and other unwanted afflictions. The good news is that the mind and physical body are also excellent places to look when we want to release tension and relax. Further, in yoga and meditation, we have two powerful tools for releasing the unwanted tension in our body-mind… tools that teach us to do less, and just be.
And it is in this letting go, this surrender of effort, that we receive countless benefits…and, ultimately, transform our lives.
Why Relax?
Are you not yet convinced of the need to relax? Really? Well, consider that relaxation
- Protects the heart from stress-related diseases
- Lowers risk of catching a cold (supports immune system)
- Boosts memory
- Lowers blood pressure and risk of stroke
- Protects us from depression
- Brings clarity to our thinking
- Helps maintain optimal body weight
- Reduces muscle tension and chronic pain
- Eases acne and other skin issues
- Lowers fatigue
- Supports healthy libido
Although I could, I don’t think I need to continue this list. That’s a pretty impressive line-up. already. Let’s just note that relaxation also feels really, really good. (And that’s because it is providing so many benefits — pleasurable feelings are Nature’s way to get you to do more of it!)
How to Relax
I hope you now agree that more relaxation would be a good thing in your life. Maybe you’ve even tried to get more R&R, but without great success, so far, or you’re not really even sure how to make 
it happen. (Unfortunately, we can become addicted to stress, and we develop unhealthy habits that, eventually, need to be addressed in order for us to relax.) Besides joining a yoga class or learning to meditate, engaging in regular exercise and adopting a healthy diet can also help a LOT. Cutting down on tension-provoking activities , of course, would be of great help, as well. (Need a what-to-eliminate list? Here: arguments, excessive TV watching and time on the computer, excessive alcohol and drug use, and bringing work to bed).
Sometimes, the simplest tips can work best because we’re more likely to try them (and, subsequently, stick with them). Also, simple practices bring us back to basics, which is invariably a perfect place to start our journey to health. So I’ve created a video to give you two easy-to-learn techniques to cultivate more relaxation and peace in your life. (check it out here!)
We’d love to support you…come join a class! (View our yoga schedule here.)
In the meantime, Gloria & I are wishing you plenty of rest and relaxation on this day — just as much as you need and can get!