“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a
deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear.
Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing
others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
Perfectionism – A Two-Edged Sword
Perfectionism is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, much of what I do, I tend to do very well. On the other hand, I spend so much time and energy trying to meet my own high standards that I don’t have enough left over to give proper attention to many other important projects on my list. Consequently, many things I’d like to do never, in fact, get done. (Unfortunately, they typically don’t even get started.)
It’s a trade-off: I can try to appear “perfect” to the world in some limited way – and thereby choose to fall way short in others (while hoping-to-god no one ever notices).
As if attending to a zillion details of minutia
weren’t challenging enough, I’ve probably
spent 95% of my “free time” in life trying to
hide my shortcomings and maneuvering
others to look only at the few things that I’ve
managed to do right. It’s been quite an
exhausting ride…
– Jim Readey (me)
Lateness
One repercussion of perfectionism is that we perfectionists may perpetually run late for things. (Unless being on time happens to be one of our perfectionist goals – then, we can be obnoxiously punctual about it.) It’s not that I don’t care about other people’s schedules or feelings. I honestly do. And it’s not that I’m all that bad at math or timekeeping – in fact, I’m quite good at both. What happens with me is, as it comes time to transition from one activity to another, I become acutely aware of five or six more things I could try to squeeze in at that moment. The ideas pop into my head suddenly, and all of them seem really important.
No Easy Fix for Perfectionism
Those who don’t struggle with perfectionism and time issues often have practical advice for those of us who do: “Well, just set a timer and, when it goes off, stop what you’re doing and move on to your next task.” Or, “Why don’t you just get up earlier in the morning – that way you’ll have more time in your day to do everything you need to do.” The problem with these suggestions is they don’t address the underlying cause.
For many of us who strive to be extremely thorough, accurate, flawless, etc., the compulsion to do more feels like a life-or-death choice, in the moment. There’s a subconscious belief that insists, I must do more in order to be safe, happy, worthy of acceptance, successful, etc. No matter what time I woke up, or how much I’ve accomplished already, there is always more that can be done. So, even if I have extra time in my day, or could finish this task on time, I can easily find more “must-do” tasks to shoehorn in.
Perfectionism is a never-ending, insatiable quest.
Conclusion
A part of me really wants to have some great point to leave you with… or to promise that I’m going to overcome my lateness habit this year. It’s the perfectionist part of me, of course. It wants me to look good in the entire world’s eyes. It believes you won’t like me, and that bad things will happen, if you see my flaws.
I’ve grown wise enough to know that I cannot guarantee if and when I’ll fix my relationship with time. (And wise enough to know that others usually see my flaws, anyways – no matter how hard I try to disguise them!) I do have a resolution, though, and I’d like to speak it out loud to you:
I’m going to look inward at my perfectionist tendencies, this year – more closely and deeply than I ever have, and in such a way as to welcome awareness and insight around this issue. Rather than try to hide from you or myself, I hereby choose to open the shades and expose what’s here to the light of day.
I feel optimistic about this … I’m not pressuring myself to be perfect in this endeavor… even just some headway would be great. Hey, I’m thinking this just might work!
Thanks for reading this, and acting as witness on this first leg of my journey. I’ll let you know how things unfold as this glorious year proceeds. (And I enthusiastically welcome your stories and sharings around any of this!)
With Joy & Laughter,
Jim Readey
“Our whole lives, it was like we were always trying so hard to be perfect – for our families and our friends, for each other – when the funny thing was, we didn’t have to. In the end, we were better than that.”
― Brenna Yovanoff, Paper Valentine
“Tilly was downcast; as with all perfectionists, it was the detail others might not notice that destroyed for her the pleasure of achievement.”
― Elspeth Huxley, The Flame Trees of Thika: Memories of an African Childhood
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
― Michael Law