deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear.
Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing
others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
Perfectionism is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, much of what I do, I tend to do very well. On the other hand, I spend so much time and energy trying to meet my own high standards that I don’t have enough left over to give proper attention to numerous other important projects on my list. Consequently, many things I’d like to do never, in fact, get done. (They typically don’t even get started.)It’s a trade-off: I can try to appear “perfect” to the world in some limited way – and fall way short in others (while hoping-to-god no one ever notices).
weren’t challenging enough, I’ve probably
spent 95% of my “free time” in life trying to
hide my shortcomings and maneuvering
others to look only at the few things that I’ve
managed to do right. It’s been quite an
exhausting ride…
– Jim Readey (me)
One repercussion of perfectionism is that we perfectionists may perpetually run late for things. (Unless being on time happens to be one of our perfectionistic goals – then we can be obnoxiously punctual.) It’s not that I don’t care about other people’s schedules or feelings. I honestly do. And it’s not that I’m all that bad at math or timekeeping – in fact, I’m quite good at both. What happens with me is, as it comes time to transition from one activity to another, I become acutely aware of five or six more things I could try to squeeze in in that moment. The ideas pop into my head suddenly, and all of them seem really important.
Those who don’t struggle with perfectionism and time issues often have practical advice for those of us who do: “Well, just set a timer and, when it goes off, stop what you’re doing and move on to your next task.” Or, “Why don’t you just get up earlier in the morning – that way you’ll have more time in your day to do everything you need to do.” The problem with these suggestions is they don’t address the underlying cause.For many of us who strive to be extremely thorough, accurate, flawless, etc., the compulsion to do more feels like a life-or-death choice, in the moment. There’s a subconscious belief that insists, I must do more in order to be safe, happy, worthy of acceptance, successful, etc. No matter what time I woke up, or how much I’ve accomplished already, there is always more that can be done. So, even if I have extra time in my day, or could finish this task on time, I can easily find more “must-do” tasks to shoehorn in.Perfectionism is a never-ending, insatiable quest.Conclusion
A part of me really wants to have some great point to leave you with… or to promise that I’m going to overcome my lateness habit this year. It’s the perfectionist part of me, of course. It wants me to look good in the entire world’s eyes. It believes you won’t like me, and that bad things will happen, if you see my flaws.
I’ve grown wise enough to know that I cannot guarantee if and when I’ll fix my relationship with time. (And wise enough to know that others usually see my flaws, anyways – no matter how hard I try to disguise them!) I do have a resolution, though, and I’d like to speak it out loud to you:
I’m going to look inward at my perfectionist
tendencies, this year – more closely and deeply
than I ever have, and in such a way as to wel-
come awareness and insight around this issue.
Rather than try to hide from you or myself, I
hereby choose to open the shades and expose
what’s here to the light of day.
I feel optimistic about this … I’m not pressuring myself to be perfect in this endeavor… even just some headway would be great. Hey, I’m thinking this just might work!
Thanks for reading this, and acting as witness on this first leg of my journey. I’ll let you know how things unfold as this glorious year proceeds. (And I enthusiastically welcome your stories and sharings around any of this!)
With Joy & Laughter,
Jim Readey
“Our whole lives, it was like we were always trying so hard to be perfect – for our families and our friends, for each other – when the funny thing was, we didn’t have to. In the end, we were better than that.”
― Brenna Yovanoff, Paper Valentine
“Tilly was downcast; as with all perfectionists, it was the detail others might not notice that destroyed for her the pleasure of achievement.”
― Elspeth Huxley, The Flame Trees of Thika: Memories of an African Childhood
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
― Michael Law
“Under this aura of perfection he knows how flawed he really is but his intact denial system keeps this awareness suppressed in the far recesses of his mind.”
― David W. Earle
“Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, but he’s a bit of an asshole and no one invites him to their pool parties”
― Ze Frank
“We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans. We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, and witty, intellectually curious, always moving … We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins … We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-aggressive are our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers … We are the daughters of the feminists who said, “You can be anything,” and we heard, “You have to be everything.”
― Courtney Martin
“If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!”
― Shannon L. Alder
“In the end, perfection is just a concept – an impossibility we use to torture ourselves and that contradicts nature.”
― Guillermo del Toro, Cabinet of Curiosities
“Sometimes it’s hard to know when you’ve crossed the line from conscientious to compulsive. When you’re in the thick of an assignment, it’s easy to believe that you must spend so much time brainstorming, researching, writing, testing, revising or what-have-you. Often, it’s only after you’ve been working for hours on end that you realize that half the work you’ve been doing wasn’t actually necessary and that you’ve just wasted a lot of time.”
― Michael Law
“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
“Healthy striving is self-focused: “How can I improve?” Perfectionism is other-focused: “What will they think?”
― Brené Brown
“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
― Brené Brown
― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
